Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
