....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize