so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
