I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
