So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
