The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
