I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
