if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
