I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
