Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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