he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
