i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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