My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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