i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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