Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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