you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
