You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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