That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
