who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
