There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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