I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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