hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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