Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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