Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize