Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
