they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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