okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
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