Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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