I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I need a beard to bite.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
