your parents love me but you hate me
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
