once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
