Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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