There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
