Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
