New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
