when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
