I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
everyone is single if you try hard enough
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
