Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
