I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize