We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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