tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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