so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
