My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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