I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
