Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
