wakey wakey hands off snakey
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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