community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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