The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
