New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
