he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
