So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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