Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
