I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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