haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize