Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
