In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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