I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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