If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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