Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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