You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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