Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
