I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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