you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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