I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
