I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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