I'm lost and stupid without you.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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