he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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