ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
