He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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