if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
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