Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize